Brown Monkey Theory

[note: Bea and Carol are bugging me these last few days on why I was sent out of the seminary. So to answer their question I wrote this short story as I can recall it so they (and even you!) can derive their (your) own conclusions. Enjoy.]

It was one in the morning when Ram, also an aspiring seminarian, woke me because it is my turn to talk with Fr. Boyet. I had fallen asleep while waiting for my turn to know the results of this revelation.

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This revelation is a semi-annual "ritual" of revealing our good qualities, our weaknesses and most importantly if we will be sent out of the seminary. The decision is reflected upon by three priests also known as the formators. They deliberate after hearing the comments of professors and laypeople from Letran, of other priests in the community and among them. After that, by the virtue of Obedience, they cast their decision as our superiors.

If it would help, just think of it more like the American Idol judges, except there are three Simons.

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I was half-awake when I entered the air-conditioned room. It was rather cold and I saw the priest wearing a casual home shirt and shorts. I can notice Father Boyet to be tired from the previous seminarians he counseled and advised upon. And it was really late. I sat in front of him feeling a little bit groggy.

As I enter the room I assumed that Fr. Boyet will give me the green light and continue the formation project.

I never did any violation, went to prayers regularly, rarely slept in masses and never gave a bad score in my studies so I expected that all will be smooth sailing. A little comment here and I'm off to continue into my sleep.

But then it happened...

Fr. Boyet sounded like Heidi of Project Runway.

"One day you're in, the next day you are out"

It was really hard for me to understand the words that came after that. The room blurred and the words became gibberish and alien and far away. The fluorescent light darkened and the walls zoom away from me. I can hear the monotonous hum of the air conditioner, my heart beat slower and something watery started to crawl from my eyes.  I began to cry.

He gave me a box of tissue and some comforting words. You see Fr. Boyet, even though not the sharpest knife among the Dominicans, is one of the most sensitive and emotional person you can meet.

But still I cannot listen to his explanation.

Why did Big Brother sent me out? Does it mean I have less text voters?

You see as far as I know I did nothing wrong. I never smoked cigarettes in the bathroom or in that sari-sari store, heck I did not even smoked anything on the first place except for my nebulizer. I went back immediately after classes. Joined the community in all activities. Never slept at our nightly rosary. I even ate my vegetables. 

Those justifications blocked my head from the priest's explanation. I kept on crying and mumbling and worrying. It is just pathetic how I was reduced into a bigoted fool. But emotions clouded my better judgement. I really don't know why the f*ck God made my life so dramatic.

Then I stopped crying. Seeing my foolishness, I just stopped. I held the reins to my confused mind. I sighed and then it just stopped. 

The gibbering words started to take form and solidify in the cold air. The hum of the air-con machine subside. Then since he gave me the cudgel I started to listen to what Fr. Boyet was saying.

It went something like this.

"Masyadong marami kang gustong gawin, Joseph. Hindi sa wala kang calling pero baka dapat malaman mo talaga kung para saan ka."

At that time I never really understood. I am very frustrated then. So I just listened.

I never complained nor made my case for an appeal. The virtue of Obedience compels me not to.

I asked if he can call UST for me to avail me even in the second semester. He nodded. I then asked Fr. Boyet if I can call my mother in Manila to say the bad news. He nodded.  

But seeing it was already late I changed my mind. I smiled and dried my tears. I went out of the office feeling bad, which is normal, but with an open heart and an open mind to the plans of the lover of my soul.

I went back to bed because tomorrow I will pray and give praise.